on being a mom and still being "Rachel"...

This morning Josiah woke up early. Wake up time is usually seven - today it was 5:30. Patrick (bless his heart) stumbled out of bed to give the kiddo his pacifier and reswaddle him. This HUGE act of love only served to frustrate Josiah even further. He did not want blankets and a binky... he just wanted food. I have to confess that I did not drag myself out from under our warm comforter out of great concern for my child's aching belly - but more out of a desire for the crying to stop and Patrick (who was kept at the OG for soooo long yesterday) to get some sleep. So Josiah and I snuggled in on the love seat for his early breakfast. I thought maybe I could get away with just putting him back to bed afterwards -- but the kid had other plans. I could feel the frustration and exhaution taking over me - and I just felt like crying. So I did. And as I was sitting next to Josiah on the bed -- him smiling at me as tears rolled down my cheeks I realized how silly this all was. I used to LOVE the morning. When I was in college I was one of those crazy people who got up before the rest of the world to go for a run, shower, have some alone time, cram for a Greek quiz and then snag a muffin and coffee on my way to class and STILL be full of joy. Who is this woman who feels such great indignation at being woken up early?!

This is a story that has happened before -not in the exact way obviously.... I don't, nor have I ever in the past, had any other babies. But I get tired... and I loose my love of life. These last couple years have been crazy with trying to figure out how to be a wife, a mom, a member of our church, a friend... I can't remember the last time I spontaneously went to the ocean. It has been far, far too long since a frisbee has been thrown with these hands. My muscles have not ached with pain after running sprints for ages. And I am sure the shops on 23rd miss my presence terribly. I really want to learn to invite Josiah into the things that I love -- that maybe our life doesn't have to just be about baby food and cookbooks and novels and what movie to rent when Patrick is home for the evening.

I've been stuck in this weird spot since getting married and especially since becoming a mom. I am now the one worrying about my family eating healthy (though I secretly still just eat mac and cheese when PW is at work), making sure we go to the dentist, schedualing doctor appointments.... uggg... and feeling so lonely. I guess if I'm honest what I really want is that all our dear friends from college were our neighbors and were having babies too -- but that's not reality and instead I have to go meet strangers and their babies and never really end up getting known.... because babies are busy and so are their moms -- it seems there is no time for frisbees in this world I have entered.

Sorry for such a terribly honest blog -- it's probably not the best place for such things. I know it's not. I just had to tell someone.